The Kevin Costner For President by Vivek Narain
What is the point of being divided by party lines, colors, and animals? What have we become as a society to reach this point? Surely, this political circus gets meaningless and boring quickly, like a child who learns to take his first steps. It’s great at first, but it’s going to be thoughtless later. The Kevin Costner is tired of all this clowning around and feels that this problem needs a solution. Specifically, a The Kevin Costner Solution.
First off, The Kevin Costner can envision the future. He also has the ability to change events if they are dire. Why wouldn’t we want a world leader who can help the whole world? Critics are quick to point out that The Kevin Costner has no experience in politics or community service. They are all wrong. His movies are both his public service and his presidential policies. The problem is that most people take them as either a joke or a form of entertainment. The Kevin Costner is tired of these misconceptions so he will now run for office.
Environmental Policy
The Costner likes to point out his most profound example. Al Gore may have had the hype, but lets remember who brought up global warming first. The Costner. He did not call it an Inconvenient Truth. He called it Water World. You know what this means right? The Costner showed global warming in its worst state, where as Gore defended it as some “inconvenient” progression, using statistics and animations (not to mention a modified cherry picker). The Costner did it through what he saw in the future. Clearly, who do should we believe? Mr. Numbers or Mr. Been There Done That The Kevin Costner?
If we look at the quotes that the “Mariner” (The Costner) said we can extract a strong environmental policy that will make anyone at the Sierra club blush. This is in addition to The Costner’s bumper sticker on his pedal car that states “Keep Ocean Blue,” trumping all other bodies of water, especially Tahoe.
“You wanna see dry land? You really wanna see it? I'll take you there.” The Costner gives us a sense of optimism even though nature is being deconstructed by our construction. He knows which land masses will be affected, helping to guide progressive populations to safety. Just remember he’s not the messiah. He’s The Costner, which means it’s like having all the perks of salvation, minus the rapture.
“Nothing's free in Waterworld.” – We have heard similar rhetoric before, in more fanatical terms, but it gathered people together. The Costner knows that in order to combat global warming, we have to make a few sacrifices. That is why he will create a new tax, called The Kevin Costner Knows Best Tax Act. Funds will be used to build rafts and floating towns. Many in the South feel left out, but a recent amendment has been made to include a gigantic arc that will contain a pair of each living organism. From a Biblical standpoint, only one couple will be able to survive.
“Because I haven't seen it. And I've sailed further than most men have dreamed.” – That’s real talk. The Costner is an explorer and an entrepreneur, the kind of man most candidates want to be. The man is a living metaphor. Who can top that? Chuck Norris had a slim chance until he sided with Huckabee, who has brain washed Norris (kicking ass and morals? Kick ass morals? Kicking moral ass?) into nothing. While his rivals see pessimism, any staunch The Costner supporter knows that simply because The Costner has not seen it does not mean he won’t ever see it. After all, this pessimistic attitude made things seem a lot better after they did discover land in Water World. So while there isn’t any correct answer for environmental efforts, you can bank on The Costner to pull through in the end.
Foreign Policy
Unlike some misguided mavericks we have in the White House, The Costner will definitely catch Bin Laden. The best part is, he doesn’t need to send armies, create unnecessary turmoil (presidential term oil?), or impede on our civil rights. Costner’s values are not derived from our forefathers, even though their ideals are similar. His respect for the judiciary stems from The Untouchables. The Costner doesn’t bother to argue about activist judges, since he has the ability to argue with them. His law-abiding powers have made him a perennial force to fight all evildoers, including the likes of army coordinate giving Geraldo Rivera.
“I have sworn to capture this man with all legal powers at my disposal and I will do so.” – If everyone viewed the law as The Costner does, we would all see a fully automatic weapon at our disposal. Except this lawful gun shoots streaks of eloquently spoken words with substance that don’t kill people. It just puts them behind bars for a really long time. The Costner could have taken the Bush route and could have made up rules on the fly (Imagine playing chess with that guy? Imagine him trying to play chess for that matter), but that means he won’t be playing the game fairly, ruining the sanctity of American law.
Better yet, The Costner is far more dedicated and doesn’t back down. Ever. How many other guys talk about legal powers in terms of disposal? He has premeditated every way he can find Bin Laden with his legal algorithm, that Google wanted to hire him as both a spokes person and engineer. He could have taken that job, but when The Costner swears to do something, you can bet he’ll get violent, but in a very rational manner (like laying a hand on his friends, the American people).
“Here endeth the lesson.”- The Costner understands that blowing up bad guys is not considerate. This “either you are with us or against us” mentality has hurt our good standing with other great nations of the world. What The Kevin Costner brings to the table is educating fellow nations of the conflicts that may arise if Bin Laden is able to stockpile suicide bombers (SBMDs?). The Costner means that literally, as he will hand out textbooks with the final chapter dubbed “Here Endeth the Lesson.” Since he has a strict 10-week class schedule, you can bet that he will find Bin Laden by the tenth week, since it is part of the lesson plan, and bring him to justice. We get the bad guy, and the internationally community gives us the respect our country deserves.
“Didn't you hear what I said? What are you, deaf? What is this, a game?” – The terrorists have turned their destruction into some type of game, and let’s just say that the whole world is The Costner’s home court. He has been compared to the likes of Bobby Knight. Instead of throwing chairs, The Costner has the power to lift sections of stadiums and fly 50 stories up to drop this concrete mass on terrorist strongholds.
His dedication is uncanny and his seriousness has not gone unnoticed. So much so that he does not know what a joke is anymore and has in fact lost his sense of humor. His tone is so powerful that rumor has it that he has the power to create Manchurian Candidates. This is the stuff that results are made of.
National Policy
The Costner is passionate about empowering those who do not have a chance. He understands that the middle class is suffering from our economic downturn and that they need to be revitalized in order for America to prosper. The Costner demonstrates his fight for equality and against “the man” (or bureaucracy) in Dances with Wolves where his leadership shows us how we can unite as a people and fight for what is right.
“Dunbar, not Dumb Bear.” – The Costner wants everyone to know he will not be incompetent when he becomes the President of the United States (not if, but when). The Costner’s perfectionist attitude will make education a priority as well as make businesses more profitable by removing inefficiencies. With his omnipresent powers, The Costner can help assist you like that paper clip guy from Microsoft Office (The Kevin Costner has an hide option too). Unlike past presidents, The Costner will make corrections to anything that needs to be fixed. The Costner, not Cost a Lot.
“Nothing I have been told about these people is correct. They are not thieves or beggars. They are not the bogeymen they are made out to be. On the contrary, they are polite guest and I enjoy their humor.” – The Costner is not ruled by industrialists who like to smear a tainted picture of blue color workers. He understands their hardships and knows exactly what they need. He laughs at recent economic stimulus packages because they do not empower the middle class worker. His empathy surpasses that of Bill Clinton and is borderline Mother Theresa, except he is willing to kick ass to make sure our middle class has the ability to have enough money to put food on the table, savings in the bank, and have a great two week vacation. (Not to mention buy every DVD starring The Costner.)
“It seems everyday ends with a miracle here. And whatever God maybe, I thank God for this day” – The Costner is sure to wow anyone with religious fervor. In addition, he can use this same statement to gain progressive support, as they love all things rational with a mixture of vagueness (Can explain what gravity does, but don’t know what it is). Rather than having a terror induced backwards culture, The Costner will help bring a sense of hope to our homes and create a new “We are the World” remix that will make us tolerant of cultures once more. Furthermore, when The Costner gets rid of Scientology (wearing a Dwight Howard Superman Cape), we can safely assume that the terrorists will have insufficient reasons to submit low-resolution flash videos about infidels and destruction.
Economic Stimulus Plan
What are you grinning at, you ghost? – The rumors are true. The Costner has been taking advice from the ghosts of Nobel Prize winners, historians, and civil rights leaders. Like his foreign policy, The Costner is all cereal when it comes to his economic stimulus plan. Since he is able to sit down with the most fiscally responsible people of the past, The Costner is sure to create a tax and spend policy which is sure to alleviate the burden of future debt, as well as spend within the means of the government. The first thing he will do, is invest in infrastructure to ensure that the heydays of the 50s are back (you can thank Elvis for changing The Costner’s mind).
“Yes I do. I know a lot about farming. I know more than you think I know.” – Agriculture is an American part of life. The Costner knows that Ethanol is heavily subsidized and doesn’t help the American people or the American farmer in the long run. People forget that The Costner was the man who showed the Mesopotamians how to farm, transitioning them into settlers rather than hunter-gatherers. Since The Costner has been bestowed with the knowledge of all things past, The Costner can bring more efficient methods of farming, producing a greater output per acre. More food on the market sounds like a scary thing as it can drive prices down, but this is something not to fear as The Costner will reduce the amount of food being imported, helping our GDP and buying something that is truly made in the U.S. (Sorry Converse, the real American brand will now be tomatoes)
“Come on, it's so big - I mean, how can you lose something so big?” That is the question that is posed by The Costner in regards to our economy. Our economy moves trillions of dollars (The Costner has counted higher, so this isn’t something unfathomable) and yet we have managed to squabble away billions because of the mortgage crisis. He believes that our economy has to be brutally honest and follow the law. This is why the SEC will now be called the SEC (Securities and Exchange The Costner). With his mental calculations that put super computers to shame, The Costner is easily able to figure out anomalies as he goes through and accounts for every dollar in the market (even in your couch). This “preposterous idea” has given some stockbrokers who believe they can outwit The Costner a good kick, until they realize that none other than The Kevin Costner himself laid that good kick (probably of the dropping genre) squarely on their face.
