The History of The Kevin Costner
The Kevin Costner is no mere mortal. We know he is a distinguished actor (distinguished in what manner is another story), but most do not know that his whole life has been an act. This is a story about The Kevin Costner.
Scientific discoveries suggest that The Kevin Costner was created in the cosmos by an unexplainable phenomenon. Tests show that his conception parallels the time frame of the big bang theory, leading some scientists to dub it as the “The Kevin Costnabang.” While we may never figure out the how’s and why’s of his conception, we do know The Costner decided to reside on the planet that his homeboy God called earth.
Wandering with no conception of communication or culture, The Costner did not have the words to express his emotions and feelings. In his sorrow, he ended up drawing basic illustrations to explain his three feelings: happiness, sorrow, and disgust. These images have been found on the depths of ocean floors and also as petrified rock next to half eaten carnivorous dinosaurs.
These consumed dinosaurs are the reason oil has formed deep beneath our crust. Scientists are still debating whether crude oil is formed by compression or if dinosaurs sweated oil in fear as they came into contact with The Kevin Costner. Some scientists have gone so far as to say that The Kevin Costner was the meteor that obliterated almost all life on earth because herbivore dinosaurs did not appreciate his generosity.
The Costner let mammalians survive because he believed that they could evolve into complex beings that would appreciate his goodwill, even if he does something ridiculous and farfetched (such as becoming an actor). Knowing the process may take millions of years; The Kevin Costner decided to hibernate in a bubble of mucus in what we call the Mesopotamia, which is known as the Birth of Civilization. I believe I do not need to explain why.
The locals loved him, as he began to show them how to harvest food, just as he once showed the lovable herbivore dinosaurs. In exchange for his awesome organic food, Brita water, and wild game, the locals taught The Costner how to express his emotions in a way that makes him feel accepted. After all, his homeboy God was still arguing with contractors, demanding to know why the world is flat and the center of the universe.
Yet for The Costner, his ability to now express his emotions led to the sad realization that there was still evil within humans. The Costner felt that this was his calling before he does the unthinkable meteor dive again. He has sided with all pacifists and promoted all faiths in hopes of helping us realize that we need to create a utopia. His most notable and controversial attempt was in Golgotha when Jesus was being crucified. Many do not know that The Costner was the sinner on his right and, like Jesus, rose from the dead. The Costner did not want the credit because he felt he was already cited enough in Siddhartha Gautama’s book My Adventures with my Buddy The Kevin Costner.
Unlike his prehistoric tantrum, The Costner understood that the world’s chaos might just be his fault. His sense of hope and optimism was exploited for political gain. This forced him to reflect on his nature. By this time there was a word to describe it as well; ghoulish. The Costner decided that it would be best if he became a hermit and swam to the bottom of the Marina Trench in hopes that the world would equalize in his absence. The Costner remained there until the spring of 1945.
When The Costner emerged on the island of Guam he heard that society was in shambles as World War II had ensued, leaving many grief stricken. He had heard about the evils of Hitler and felt that he must do something about it. He embarked on a treacherous journey, swimming to Germany. Armed with a compass and a befriended dolphin he met during his hiatus, The Costner battled pirates and pirate sharks as well, including the one Robert De Niro played as in A Shark’s Tale. He arrived on the shores of Germany near Wilhelmshaven and strutted to Fuhrebunker with his dolphin friend on his back (dolphins can live terrestrially if they so chose) What I forgot to mention is that the compass does not give direction based on polarity. It was a magically crafted piece that only focuses on the whereabouts of Hitler. When they reached his residence in the afternoon, The Costner found Hitler and what seemed like another man (it ended up being his wife). The Costner entered the room and lectured both of them to ultimate boredom. The couple tried to find an escape route, but the renegade dolphin made sure that they remained on the couch. The Costner began speaking metaphorically about the ocean as a beacon of life and purity, followed by clichés, and concluding with dinosaurs. What he did not realize is that everyone in the room, including the dolphin-committed suicide.
The Costner left the scene before he was known as a hero, because he feared the precedents that occurred. He did what any sane being would do at this point; he swam to the ports of San Diego where he journeyed to Los Angeles, surviving on Cacti and stray cats. When The Costner finally saw the Hollywood sign, he figured out his purpose. He would begin a new life that he felt would benefit the world and influence it in a positive manner. On January 18, 1955, an actor was “born.”*
*Born as defined in The Kevin Costner terms means simply changing occupation, clothing, hairstyles, and befriending sea creatures. On occasion, born can be used to describe the fulfillment The Kevin Costner gets when he eats Apple Jacks as part of a balanced breakfast.